I Remember Us

The other day I was driving to an appointment and a song by Anita Baker went on the radio.  I was just singing along and then the tears started falling.  I cried the whole car ride to the appointment until the song ended. 

I was thinking of you.

Do you remember when we bought that Anita Baker's debut cassette? We listened to it every chance we could.  We sang every single song at the top of our lungs.

Do you remember our afternoon dates at that Starbucks that overlooked our city?  We'd get coffees, share a lemon pound cake, and just talk - not about anything in particular, nothing life-altering.

Do you remember the nights when we'd be in the kitchen, listening to The Beatles of Supremes, cooking and, of course, dancing?  How we would laugh and laugh? Just another ordinary day with you?

We used to do so much together.  Just being together was good.  We talked pretty much about anything, although some things were just known to be taboo.  That was okay, though.  I didn't mind that - I respected your boundaries.  We had a lot of really good moments, but inevitably very bad ones.  We shared such a similar childhood that sometimes we just had to step back and not talk about it.  Like in any relationship we would argue, but it never lasted too long.  We were too close for that.

You were at every celebration and milestone in my life.  I was that important to you.  Until one day what we had changed.  It didn't happen all at once.  It happened so gradually, trailing so many years, that when we finally noticed it was too late.

My life started to change and evolve and it was really hard for you.  When once I always had the time to hang out and just be with you, now I didn't.  I didn't have enough of me to carry you and all the new responsibilities I had.  I grew up and became an adult.  I think, in your mind, I left you behind.

So you became distant and withdrew into yourself.  You let the demons in your mind take control.  Anxiety and depression became your friends and you just weren't interested anymore.  In all that you used to be and everything we were to each other, you made yourself feel like it never existed.  We tried to work it out.  We really did - I truly believe that.

But now you're gone - not just physically living somewhere else - but, you're essence is gone.  Our words are not the same and I miss you.  When we talk now it's different somehow.  As of talking to an acquaintance you once knew - the "How are you? Fine." 

I miss how it used to be, how we used to be.  I miss it all and I hate how your issues took hold of you and didn't let go.  I hate that the pills that are supposed to help you only hinder you.  I can't stand seeing you exist, but not live.  Now we can go days, weeks, sometimes months without even a hello.  I know it's no one's fault, really.  It's not yours or mine.  Life happens and this is the way that makes it easier...for you.

I just need you to know that I miss us.  I miss how we grew up together, navigated life together...that I remember who you were and how important we were to each other.

Do you remember walking through the snow to our favorite coffee bar to celebrate my new job?

Do you remember driving at the crack of dawn, listening to Boys II Men, to get to class?

Do you remember prom dress shopping or my outfit for my first day of Kindergarten?

Do you remember when we first met?

Mom, I do. 
I remember.

since I'm not doing much...

I'm currently in the hospital, so why not put some words down instead of just laying here, right? 

I don't really want to talk about why I'm in the hospital because all is temporary.  It gets tiring talking about cancer and its effects all the time.  Well, okay, so I've only talked about a couple of times on here, but in my daily life, it's this thing that lingers over me.  So today, I'm going to be thankful that I'm in the hospital for some maintenance and not anything too serious and write.  Just write.



via
(I'm not a photographer at all, so when I can find free-to-use-however-you-want photos, I'm in.  I use Unsplash a lot.  So if you're like me, go try it out.  They have pretty much anything to help that blog post eye-appealing.)

I've been getting back to reading lately.  It was so hard to focus when I first got out of the hospital and finished treatments (chemo brain?) that I couldn't get through a chapter or two before putting a book down.  Since I've always been an avid reader, this was heartbreaking to me.  In late April, I noticed a lot of people getting into The Handmaid's Tale, so I thought why not?  I am so happy I picked it up because I couldn't put it down!  That book did it and I've been on a reading kick since.  After wrapping up Handmaid, I've read Thirteen Reasons Why (so different and dare I say better than the series) and Big Little Lies.  I'm currently reading Small Great Things (Jodi Picoult) and it's not bad.  Just finishing it to see if it gets any better, to tell you the truth.  Next read will be The Night Circus which is one I never got to read when it came out years ago.  Any other book suggestions I should read this summer? Put them in the comments, please.

Lately, my cholesterol has been super high.  Oops! Must be all that Netflix and cookies.  When the doctor said he wanted to put me on cholesterol meds, I looked up the side effects of Crestor and was like, "Um, I don't think so!" So, doc has agreed to give me a few months to get my butt in gear with my diet.  I've cut out all the cookies and junk food and am down a good 5 pounds already.  I tried doing a super modified Jillian Michaels workout - I mean modified from the modified girl on the DVD, okay?  I got through it and then was dizzy for a half hour.  I decided to take the 72hours to recover from the soreness and do baby steps.  Walk a little here and there until my stamina comes back.  Since I'm in the hospital, I've been doing walking laps around the ward which gives me confidence that I'll be able to do more when I get home.  I'm thinking maybe heading to the mall after dropping the kids off at school in the morning and just walking.  We'll see.  Baby steps.

Still there?

Summer is upon us...two more weeks and the kids will be out of school.  I'll only have Miah and Lucas during the day since Annika is in daycare all day.  So I'm trying to figure out stuff to do with them so they aren't glued to their phones and tablets all day.  Miah (13) will be taking an Algebra class (her request) to help her out for next year and then she said she may be interested in taking a dance class.  She is super into all sports, so I thought that was a cool change for her.  Lucas (11) wants to take a cooking class.  He loves being in the kitchen and I want to nurture that.  What if he becomes a chef, you know?! Life made for this mama.  I'm thinking we can do a weekly or biweekly movie matinee.  I'm pretty restricted with water activities because I'm still so young into remission, but maybe I can find a pool for them while I'm under the shade and read?  I also want to explore some coffee or tea places and maybe find some cool places to eat or explore with them.  I'd also really like to implement some type of reading for them this summer.  What are you doing with your kiddos?

That's about it for now.  I'm going to go take a hospital walk and get back to finishing that book.  Leave me some love and comments to see what you are up to or how you've been doing.  Love ya, my loveys!