Wednesday, October 1, 2014

A Fabulous, Powerful Mess

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I know I wrote before that I have the power to say No.  I've written that sometimes I just can't take one more thing.  That was a hard post to write.  But it was how I was feeling at that point in time. 

But, I've come to realize something lately. 

My plate is so full.  With working, going to college, being a wife and mother - my life is a fabulous mess.  Yes, it's good that I have all these things going on.  I get so very overwhelmed with it all, but this full plate?  Well, it's worth it.

See, what this full plate shows me is that I have power.  I have the power to handle a lot of things and do them well.  I love what I do in my work life and the kind of wife and mother I am.  School should be over in a few short years and I'll look back on this time in my life with awe.  I'll be able to say that I accomplished so much.  I had the power to get things done.  Yes, I may have felt overwhelmed a lot of the time, but bottom line, I did it.

I can't wait until the day I walk on that stage and receive my bachelor's degree.  I can't wait to share that day with my family.  I anticipate that at that point in my life, I will look myself in the mirror and see a powerful woman.

Not because I got a degree.  Not because I've been working at the same job for close to 15 years.  Not even because I married the perfect person for me and had two beautiful children.  No, not because of those things.  Although each of those things are very important, what I'll see in that mirror is someone who perservered.

I've made something of myself with or without that degree.  I am a good, reliable, efficient person with or without this job I work full-time at.  I have survived life.  One single, baby step at a time...my entire life has been made up of being powerful.

I was powerful when I spoke up against the abuse.  I was powerful when I was able to say no to relationships that weren't for me, but only against me.  I was powerful when I married my husband and had my children despite what judgement I received because of it.  I was powerful and still am.  I'm so proud of who I've become and what I've gone through to get here.

Yes, my plate is full, but I can handle it.  I have the power to do anything that I put my heart and soul into.  We all do, don't we?

We all can do what we need to so that we can feel that power inside of us.  Don't be afraid of failing.  That's the worse thing you can do.  Just try.  Try your hardest and, as I've always said to you:  As long as you try and even if you fail, at least you tried.

I try everyday.  I try to be the best person I can.  Yes, I have bad days.  We all do.  I just pick myself up again and try all over again.  Power, loveys.

Feel that power within you.  That power that says you can do it - you've had the power all along, my dear. :)

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Monday, September 29, 2014

I'm Ready...He's waited long enough.


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I'm craving some peace from what only a crisp Autumn morning can give.  I want to sit on the porch of an old Southern plantation home and wrap myself up in a blanket.  I want to look out onto the land and feel the Fall breeze fly through my hair.  I want to be there when the sun rises and give thanks for my life.

I crave some one-ness with myself and my Higher Power.  A moment to sit and read His Word - flip through His Book and land on the verses that need to be read.  I want to feel the peace and love that only He can give me.  The love of the One who created me and gave me life for just a tiny moment.  I want to imagine that one day I will have the chance to have that one moment.  That moment should be now.

I may not have the chance to spend an Autumn morning on a Southern plantation like I always have wanted.  I may never walk the streets of Venice and explore what my writing craves.  I may never sit on a balcony over a Spanish plaza scribbling down every thought my soul can imagine.  I may never visit these places of my dreams.  But I am able to dream them.  I am able to transport myself to these places because He gave me the imagination to do so.

He created in me a person with so many thoughts, so many words to let out.  He gave me a voice through my words where I can explore the places in my mind and visit these places I have never been.  He made me.  
 
That just puts me in awe.  
 
He felt the need to create me because He knew my life meant something.  He knew that I would add to this world.  Just knowing that, knowing that I am enough in His eyes, is enough.  I'm enough because He says I am.
 
I crave some time to be alone with just Him.  A moment to talk with Him about everything: about the life I had growing up, the adventure of this life He has given me, and to reflect on the decisions - the twists and turns - I have made with this life.  I would ask Him what He wants me to do next.  I would tell Him that I want to be the best person I can be, the person He created me to be.
 
I found out this weekend that I need to begin my relationship, heart and soul, with Him.  He has waited long enough for me to write these words.  He has waited long enough for the prayers I sent to him last night.  I didn't ask for anything last night.  I told him things.  I rested in Him knowing that I am enough.  He made me just the way He wanted.  He makes no mistakes.
 
I'm ready.  Ready, willing, and finally able to put my heart in His hands.  I put my life in Your Hands, Father.  Do with it as You will.
 
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Friday, September 26, 2014

TIGF - Link it Up Lovey!

Good Morning Lovey,
Sharing what I'm grateful for this week, will you join me?  Tell me what's made you grateful.


Instagram.  So even though I'm not as present as I could be on this blog, I am on my insta-blog away from home.   I love that I can share some inspiration with you, my loveys, at a moment's notice.  To encourage you, to show you how I am, to show you how healthy I'm trying to be...at my fingertips in a second by just posting a pic.  Pretty awesome.  Instagram has strengthened so many of the relationships I built in this space.  I love it.

Curls.  I've embraced the easy-ness of my natural curls this week.  I'm so grateful for this mane of hair God has given me.  The way my locks make feel confident is such a plus these days.  I'm a hottie.  It's nice to say that about myself and not feel cocky about it.


Happy Friday, loveys.  Have an awesome weekend!


Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Blog Silence


I wrote a whole post last night about what I wanted to talk about today.  It was angry at times and sad at others.  Part of it was explaining my silence lately around here and then it just stopped making excuses.
That post?  I wrote it in my head.  I didn't jot down notes by my bedside to remember what to write later.  I knew I'd forget half of the words I was going to want to say.  I knew this and still I sit here trying to compose something to tell you.

Why the blog silence?  I just know it's time to put blogging on the back burner right now.  I don't have time to dedicate a post every day.  I have put myself into such a tight schedule that blogging, let alone writing, has taken the back seat.  Work, studying, my little family, and Saturday naps have taken the wheel.  And you know what?  I'm okay with that.

How did I know that I wouldn't feel blog guilt for not being here?  When did I figure out that blogging is part of me but not the biggest part?  Why am I letting this space not be as important as it used to be?

I'm a working mom.  When I'm not working, I'm studying.  When I'm not studying, I'm trying to get as much time with my family as I can.  When I'm not doing those things, I sneak in a nap or some exercise...mostly napping, though.  I know there are a lot of bloggers that do all these things and more, but I'm okay with not being able to do everything.

When my blog design went to crap last week, I didn't really freak out.  That's how I knew.  I knew that although I love this space that I've created, I know that it doesn't pay my bills or give me the 4.0 grade point average I strive for, and it doesn't give me kisses and cuddles. 

It's the space that lets me express what I'm feeling when I need to - it helps me be brave when I can't be in real life.  This blog has changed me so much this past year.  This place has given me irreplaceable friendships.  A sisterhood I could never have even imagined before blogging.  And all of that is wonderful, don't get me wrong.

Yet, I just can't keep up.  I can't keep up with responding to comments.  It's hard for me to promote my blog posts everywhere all the time.  I will never be able to put into this blog what all the other bloggers do.  I just don't think I want to anymore.

I do know this, though.  I know that this space, my coffee-n-ink, isn't going anywhere.  I know I'll keep this place to visit when I can.  I'll still write here and just be me.  Not some superwoman who can do it all.  Not the blogger extraordinaire that has content every day.  Some days, I won't write probably.  Some weeks, I might even write everyday.

That's what I can handle right now.  I don't need to be a bad-ass.  I just need to be me.  All Nay.  All the Time.
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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

"Lifetime to Learn" {by my friend, Anonymous}

Hi loveys,
Today, a dear friend of mine has reached THIRTY DAYS of sobriety.  Today I celebrate her by sharing her words that she writes each day.  The words you will read have filled me with hope.  They have also filled me with pride for my friend.  So very proud of my girl, Anonymous.  Words are power...Read on, loveys, read on. 


Lifetime to Learn

"For the first decade of our life our brain is wide open and is ready to absorb all things that life has to show us.  Our brain is stimulated with each lesson the various people that come in and out of our lives are trying to teach us.  Our brain's constant craving for more knowledge excites all of our senses.  We marvel in all the many things our eyes can see.  We are mesmerized by a multitude of emotions and sensations we feel either by touch or within our souls.  The smell of some beef on an open fire is as stimulating to us as the smell that a startled skunk expels.  The two smells are on two different ends of the spectrum but they both stimulate our brain.

During the second decade of our lives our mind begins to interpret what our brain is in-taking.  I must stop right here and explain a very important concept.  The brain is a tool.  It can solve a math problem, it can create a poem, it can recall a drug dealer's telephone number.  But when you can't stop thinking of that math problem or the drug dealer's number or when random thoughts and memories arise without your intent, that is not your brain working, but your mind wandering.  At this point, your mind controls you and you have run wild. 

During my third decade of life, I let my mind take complete control of my very existence and it lead me astray.  It had me thinking that I knew all that had to be known and I needed no further guidance from my Higher Power (HP).  I did not turn my back on Him, I just went off on my own.  Today, I have finally proven to myself that I don't know what the hell is going on because I am lost in the twisted weeds of self-reliance and self will.  I am stunting my growth.

Roots
In order to begin to grow again, I need to find sobriety's reality.  They say it is filled with a sense of purpose and a joy of freedom.  I have to finally understand that my past is not a shameful one that I have to lie about or avoid talking about.  For it is the roots of my life that is set deep in the ground and is necessary for me to grow.

The Red Head
An older red head man once told me, "You have to stop getting in your own fucking way.  You should be tired by now, by thinking you can do everything on your own."  Once those words soaked in my brain, I realized that my HP knows my history and I can confide everything in Him.  You see, my HP stood by patiently and waited until I cam back to Him and He welcomed me with open arms.  All of this time, I was never alone, my HP was always there.  Thank,s Red Head Man, for snapping me back into reality.

Ha Ha Ha
When I laugh at myself I feel more willing to grow.  I can't take life too seriously because that is when the brain puts on the brakes and the mind steps on the accelerator.  If I am not so serious, I can focus on my recovery.  If I focus on my recovery, I can move one baby step closer to my purpose, I can make progress.  If I make progress, I can look back and laugh at myself.

Action Figures
I have to take responsibility of my actions.  I have to take responsibility of my life as it is, or circumstances for my predicament.  I caused me to hit the bottom.  As I open my eyes, I realized that my health, happiness, and even circumstances of my life have been arranged for me.  By being open-minded to the 12 Step process, I have began to be responsible for me.

Up to Me
The last thing is that I have to constantly remember..."I will get out of this what I put into into this."  I have to believe I can do it although I do not know what I am doing.  You see, no one said the 12 Step process was going to be a piece of cake.  Yet no one said it is like taking the California bar exam.  So what is spiritual growth?  What will make me more connected to working the 12 Steps?  I am not all-knowing, but I do know...

...it is what I make of it."
-Anonymous

Thank you for reading my friend's words.  Remember that each of us has a mighty force behind us...willing us to be brave, strong, and enough.

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Friday, September 12, 2014

TIGF: Things I'm Grateful For


Monday's Post.  The first post of this week was so good for my soul.  I needed to be real on here and talk about what was really on my heart.  Thank you so much for your comments and love to that post.  It meant so much to read those comments and see that I am not alone.  We all have something in our lives that we need to work through.  It makes my heart happy.

Working Out.  I started working out on Monday!  I am so proud of myself.  I'm doing the Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred and it is making me work.  Feel the burn!  It's pretty cool to sweat and feel the muscles working.  I feel like I am accomplishing something.  I'm so grateful to myself on this.  I look forward to seeing how my body changes.  Now I'm in search of a good meal plan.  Any suggestions?

My Husband.  Last night, I walked into the kitchen and watched as my husband was washing dishes.  This overwhelming feeling of love came over me for him.  No, not because he was washing dishes, but it hit me that he is all mine.  This life is so much sweeter with him in it.  We will be celebrating ten years of marriage this February, thirteen years of dating in November, and being friends since August 1989.  My husband, boyfriend, and best friend for all this time.   Super awesome, right? :)




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Thursday, September 11, 2014

#neverforget

I don't feel like I can just write or blog as I normally do on this day every year.
9.11
It's a day for few words and some type of blog silence.

#neverforget

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To the mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters,

 wives, husbands, daughters, sons,

 girlfriends, boyfriends, co-workers, and best friends of the

 2,996 
 people who died that day -

Our prayers are with you.

We. Will. Never. Forget.


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