Friday, October 31, 2014

TIGF, y'all!

Happy Halloween and all that jazz! Happy TIGF too!
I brought coffee for all of you.  You're welcome...

Almost enough for one morning!
via
So take a sip. Sit back and relax + let me talk your ear off :)

I am so very grateful for all the love and support I received from yesterday's post.  I want to assure you that I'm okay.  I went through some terrible stuff when I was little, but I am in such a good place now.  I am loved by my beautiful little family, precious friends, and you, my loveys.  It wasn't a hard post to write yesterday, surprisingly...what was hard for me was to click that Publish button.  It took me two hours of going back and forth and then finally hitting that button.  I held my breath.  I hyperventilated a little (a lot).  Then I let it go.  And, oh my goodness, you...you made it all better.  Thank you.

So grateful for my daughter this week.  She turned 11.  ELEVEN!  How did that happen?!  We decorated, at cinnamon rolls for breakfast, had a fabulous dinner, and she got her "heelys".  The shoes I did not want to get her because I would really like it if she didn't fall on her face because of those roller things on her heels.  But I gave in after the peer pressure from the husband.  And she was happy - so, so happy.  And, really, that's all that matters.

And, you know what else I'm grateful for?  Everything.  I am just a happy camper today.  It's Friday.  We're going to Alex Ramon's show tomorrow night! Trick or treating tonight...the kids are so excited! And...well, this space.  This space where I can just be myself.  No filter.  Coffee in hand, spending time with you.  Now that's gratefulness right there!


 photo sign_zps1f6c5c85.jpg

Thursday, October 30, 2014

That wasn't love...

I should preface this by saying that I'm okay.  I'm not in a bad way or feeling out of sorts.  But, sometimes, I need to write things out before it consumes me.  Sometimes I need to write the hard stuff, release it, and maybe, just maybe, someone out there needs to hear what I have to say.

I want you to know something:  If you have gone through what I am about to write, you are not alone.  Remember that.


I was sexually abused as a child.  And, if I really accept the truth, I abused myself, as well, a long while into my twenties.

I remember exactly when it first happened.  I was sitting on my uncle's knee in my great-grandmother's bedroom.  I have no idea why I was in there, let alone why I was there alone with him.  I remember him moving his knee up and down and it felt weird - different.  I was younger than five.  I know this because I remember landing in Peru when I was five and thinking that they wouldn't touch me anymore.

See, I was sexually abused by my uncle and grandfather.  They didn't' do it together.  They probably didn't even know about each other.  The time frame overlaps and I just remember that my uncle started fondling me first.  I can't remember when my grandfather started.  I don't want to remember when it started, I just know it was always there.

My first sexual encounters were with these predators.  My uncle once took me out to buy a new radio one time and afterward took me to his apartment, I think, and laid me down and did things to me.  He knew he was wrong for doing it because he kept saying not to tell anyone.  Reminding me that he just bought me an expensive radio and to just lay there and be quiet.  I never saw his face that time, just the top of his head down there doing things I didn't understand.

My grandfather was always around, less than my uncle was, and I just thought that the way he touched me was normal.  I knew deep down it wasn't but I didn't really have any say on the matter.  He would take me to school in the morning, buy donuts for my classroom so that the other kids would like me, and before getting me to school, park the car and get his fix.  Right there, out in the open.  How did no one notice?  He would pick me up from school and do it again.  In his bedroom, in the living room, all the places.  Even an innocent trip to Griffith Park didn't give me a break.

How did no one notice when we would drive around town with his hand up my shirt or down my shorts.  He would always stop when we were at a stoplight, but didn't the other drivers notice?

What always makes me stop and think if I deserved it or enjoyed it, is that I would seek their attention.  When my uncle eventually stopped, I remember looking over at him across the dining room table at a family dinner wondering why it stopped.  What had I done?  Didn't he care about me anymore?  He stopped shortly after I was playing catch with him one day after school.  I told him if I caught the ball (or didn't? I can't recall), would he not touch me there.

My grandfather never really stopped.  Even after I told my teacher in seventh grade.  The teacher who cried the whole time.  Even after the detective would come visit me at school.  Even after my grandmother took me and her husband into our family van and said it had to stop.  She had had enough.  Apologize to your grandfather, Renee.  If your mother ever found out, she'll get nervous, Renee.

It didn't stop until I had to go away.  I had to move to different countries for it to stop.  At thirteen, I was free from the abuse.  But the effects had already set in.  I only knew how to receive love in one way.   I hid the way I would love myself...in bed.  When my father would come say good night and catch me and say good girls don't touch themselves, Renesita.  Don't do that, Renesita.

If the physical aspect of sexual abuse ended when I was thirteen, the emotional aftermath still carried on.

When I was a teenager, I'd kiss all the boys.  You want me to do that.  Okay.  You want my mouth where?  Sure.  You want me to talk dirty to you.  Why not?  High school was over and I was technically still a virgin.  At least I kept that intact.

I held on to that title for a long time.  But when it did finally happen, I felt like that five year old all over again.  I just laid there and was quiet.  I never enjoyed what I was doing.  But then, I noticed something.  Sex gave me a certain feeling of love I craved.

I would do anything the guy wanted.  When I think back on those years, I'm sickened.  The abuse never ended.  I didn't know what normal sexuality was.  The men in my childhood ruined that for me.  I ruined it for myself when I started realizing what was right and wrong in my older years.

My flashbacks would happen in the midst of a regular date with a regular guy.  The memories would hit me.  The anxiety attacks began.  I couldn't control what was happening to me, not when I was five, let alone when I was in my twenties.

But there is good that came out of all of this.  My life turned for the better once I accepted real love.  Once I found the guy who was right there all along.  The guy who didn't want to have sex with me until it was right.  The guy who made love to me - not for himself, but for us.  The man I married.

I don't know why I had to go through all of the abuse.  I rack my brain trying to figure out the reason.  There is no reason.  There are just evil people.  Those men didn't know what the effect of the abuse would have on me.  Even now, years and years later, how would they have known that what they did to me would change me forever.

The thing is, they didn't think.  They didn't care.

But I care.  I am product of what the abuse did to me.  I am stronger because of it.  Not the way someone wants to become strong, I know, but it reminds me that I can get through anything.  Hit me with your best shot.

You don't have that power over me anymore.
 photo sign_zps1f6c5c85.jpg

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

beautiful mess {almost wordless wednesday}


A short and sweet note to all of you, my loveys.
 Remember how wonderful, amazing, and awesome you are. 
Beautiful mess and all.  
 
Have a blessed Wednesday!
 photo sign_zps1f6c5c85.jpg

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

be who you really are...

I've always wanted to reinvent myself.  I've always wanted to be different than who I really am. 

Since the moment I had an inkling of what others were like, I thought that I had to imitate, mimic, and resemble them.  I wanted to be like everyone else, but myself.


There was this girl I went to elementary school with - "Kelly".  I think it started with her.  She had beautiful Nellie Olsen curls, a witty smile, eyes that made the room light up, and always dressed in just the right way.  I wanted to be her.  I'd lay in bed at night, praying, hoping, and wishing I could be like her.  If I could just look like her and act like her, everyone in class would like me.  I'd sometimes cry quietly in my bed asking God why he made me look and act like I did.

I was the little girl with glasses, hand-me-down clothes, and always in a pulled-together-at-the-last-minute ponytail.  We all wore uniforms to school, but mine always felt like they fit wrong.  I would fidget all day while  Kelly always sat sweetly in front row with her sparkly smile and face full of perfect freckles.  She was who I wanted to be...had to be.

We moved many times and I always found a "Kelly" to imitate, to look up to.  It was so unhealthy, now that I look back.

I look at photos of myself when I was little.  I was beautiful.  I radiated goodness.  I had a dazzling smile.  I rocked those glasses like nobody's business.  I wish I could have seen myself or had someone to emphasize those qualities in me at the time.

Up until recently, this year in fact, I looked up to and wished I was the "Kelly" of the moment.  I wanted the perfect-looking scenes of a life without worry, the white picket fence scenario, and the clothes and body to match.  I forgot that I already have that.

As Popeye says, "I am who I am."  I love who I've become.  I love that I'm like a lotus flower. Planted into shit and mud, I have blossomed into a flower of magnificence.  I am unique and a rare find.  I am beautiful.

I grew up with this idea of what beauty was supposed to be, when all along I should have been looking in the mirror.  My kindness shows in my eyes.  My love for others is felt in the hugs I give.  My voice gives words of inspiration, encouragement, and empowerment to those who need to hear it.  My ears will listen to what needs to be heard.

I am so wonderfully made.  I no longer need to look for a "Kelly" anymore...or anyone else for that matter.  I have nothing to prove.  The only person that needs to accept me, is well...ME.

It took every day of these forty years of life to come to that conclusion.  I'm happy I finally grew up and became me.

Be who you really are.  It's a wonderful sight to see. photo sign_zps1f6c5c85.jpg

Monday, October 27, 2014

Just Another Monday...


Good Morning Sweet Loveys,
Time for another Monday to resurface this week.  I don't know what this week will bring, but I do hope it's good.  I'm really not in the mood for a hard day.  So, I'm going to sip on my free Starbucks coffee, nibble on my lemon loaf cake, and write a little to you.
 
We had a really nice weekend.
Friday night, we headed over for a spur-of-the-moment movie night at a friend's home.  The kids watched Hotel Transylvania and munched on ice cream and cookies.  Meanwhile, the adults drank some beers (hadn't had one in forever!) and voted on our favorite head shots of my soon-to-be-famous actress girlfriend.  Man, she photographs well!  I loved going through her photos and picking my faves.  We played a scrabble-type game and then after hugs and kisses good-bye, we headed home.  I knocked out as soon as I got in bed.  Bliss!
 
I was going to go into work on Saturday, but nixed that plan fast.  We had a nice day of eating pumpkin-imprinted crepes, watching some movies, napping, and just relaxing.  The boy came down with a little cough, so we decided it was best to just relax all day long.
 
Sunday was a blast.  We headed out to Valencia to a birthday party for our favorite twins at Sky High.  Think trampolines galore.  Lots of pizza, cake and ice cream were devoured and we got to savor some much needed friend time.  We hadn't seen a lot of our friends for a while, so it was nice to catch-up.  The rest of the day was scheduled for more snuggling and napping...and trying hard to get rid of the boy's cold.
 
Penelope spoke to me right as I was going to sleep, per usual.  I wrote for an hour straight on my little phone.  She was exceptionally sad and I had no problem getting all her emotions out on my tiny screen.  She's been having me write more consistently in the last week or so.  I'm loving it.
 
Lucas stayed home with Daddy today.  Miah got all decked out in as much red as possible for Red Ribbon week.  Mommy headed out for work.  Another weekend has passed that I wish wasn't over, but it was good, really good.
 
Now, it's Monday.  All the coffee please.  Hope your day is easy and breezy.
What did you do this weekend?
 photo sign_zps1f6c5c85.jpg

Thursday, October 23, 2014

A Magical Opportunity! {#NewMagic}

Loveys, are you going to love me today!  Do I have a special *magical* treat for you!!!

The family and I were in Lake Tahoe last Christmas and were able to see Alex Ramon's magic show, Illusion Fusion.  To say it was awesome would be an understatement!  The kids still talk about "Alex Ramon" and when do we get to see him again.  Not only a great magic show, but funny, as well.  Alex's run in Lake Tahoe ended and now he has been touring Northern California cities.
The great news for you, my loveys, is that he will be in the L.A./North Hollywood area on November 1st and 2nd.  What's so great about that?  

He's offering my readers a discount code for his shows on Halloween weekend.  $20 tickets!!!  That's a huge discount since the cost of his shows usually run between $35-$71 (what?!)

I asked my favorite magician (for serious! he's super spectacular, and let's admit it - pretty easy on the eyes, ladies!) to come over today and tell you all about his new show, #NewMagic, and all about his fine self!

Take it away, Alex!

WHAT BETTER WAY TO SPEND HALLOWEEN WEEKEND THAN AT A FAMILY FRIENDLY MAGIC SHOW!?!

(Loveys, check out this magical video on his show!)

ALEX RAMON #NEWMAGIC is a magic show with a new style and a new flair! Friendly enough for kids but edgy enough for the adults. Alex Ramon has mesmerized millions around the world. His show was named the #1 attraction in Lake Tahoe for over 2 years.

#NEWMAGIC is a modern, fast-paced effort to modernize this ancient art form. It's a family friendly show, which has something for everyone. Magic may be famous for its old-fashioned traditions, the capes and the top hats, but Ramon is determined to change all of that. "#NEWMAGIC is not like anything you've ever seen before. I love performing the show, because I get to see the surprise on everyone's faces. That's a show in itself," says Ramon.

At age 29, Ramon is the youngest magician to receive The Milbourne Christopher Award, dedicated to the memory of the American magician and author, recognizes "notable contributions to the art of magic," and "excellence in the magical arts." Previous winners of the Milbourne Christopher Award include Siegfried and Roy, David Copperfield,Harry Blackstone, Jr., and Lance Burton. Only 20 magicians in history have ever received this award.

This is not the first time that this young magician has made history. Ramon was cited for his groundbreaking work at age 21 with a touring Disney show, and at 23, for two seasons as the second-youngest ringmaster (and the first magician ringmaster) in the history of Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus, "The Greatest Show on Earth." Most recently, Ramon's show quickly became the leading attraction in Lake Tahoe, California.

Earlier this year, he began a West Coast tour with his new show, #NEWMAGIC, in Northern, California. The tour arrives in Southern California in November. Ramon said "It has been over 3 years since I last performed in Southern CA, I love the electricity and the excitement of Los Angeles and feel I will fit in perfectly in the NoHo Arts District. I'm more than excited to showcase all of my new magic and illusions."

Here are the deets, my loveys!  If you live in the Southern California area, I hope to see you there!  My little family and I will be going to the Saturday show!

WHAT:           Alex Ramon #NewMagic, a magic show with a new style and a new flair! Friendly enough for kids but edgy enough for the adults. Don’t miss your chance to see this illusion show on tour in north Hollywood at the El Portal Theatre for two shows only! Alex Ramon has mesmerized millions around the world. His show was named the #1 attraction in Lake Tahoe for over 2 years, come and see why!
WHEN:          North Hollywood – EL PORTAL THEATRE 
WHERE:       Saturday November 1st @8pm and Sunday November 2nd @3pm 
ORDER:        Online at www.alexramonmagic.com
Or call the theatre box office 818-508-4200
CODE: "TODAY" for $20 tix

TWITTER:     Twitter.com/alexramonmagic
INSTAGRAM: @alexramon
  photo sign_zps1f6c5c85.jpg

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Spending time with my Loveys


Hi lovey. 

I have no idea what I'm going to write to you today.  But let's just go with it, shall we?  I'd like to just spend some time with you.  How does that sound?  I have my coffee and I'm letting my fingers do the talking today.  With no purpose to this post, but to say hello and I'm happy you're here. 

How has your day been?  Mine has been pretty good so far.  I didn't get a lot of sleep last night (went to sleep at 11:30pm 'cause I was busy watching the last episode of the Walking Dead with the Hubby), but I still woke up rested.  No nightmares in the last two nights!  Total awesomeness right there!

I've been really happy that I've been coming back to this space consistently for the last three days.  I'm making time for this space.  This space is important to me.  I had a conversation last night with the Hubby about writing on this blog.  I was telling him that I don't think people are really reading here as much as they used to.  I don't get as many comments, blah, blah.  You know, the regular venting of a blogger.  He said something to me that put me in my writer's place, "Love, are you blogging because you love to write or just to get comments?  Are you writing for your passion to write or for validation from what others say about your writing?"  Um...I married a smart man, huh?

I write on this blog because I love to write.  Period.  I love to put my thoughts down and spend time with this passion of mine.  But I also love the interaction I have with all of you, my loveys.  I have noticed though that although I may not get as many comments as I used to, I still have that interaction with you.  My loveys comment on my instagram posts.  I get text messages and emails from you.  That should be enough.  I have to remember that I'm not here for the pageviews or numbers.  That's not what is important.  I'm here for me.  I'm here for the writing.  I'm here to spend part of my day with you.

via
So, I guess that's what's most important to me.  Spending time with this place...with you...pouring out my heart on this virtual written page, and looking forward to doing it again and again.

Thank you for coming here each day.  Thank you for sharing a small, precious moment out of your whirlwind of a day.  Thank you for reading my words.  You really do bring out the best of me.

Because without you, this place would be empty.   You are that "remarkably rare, addictive ones who just bring out the most.  Of everything."  You're my good and I thank you for that.

Love you, my loveys.  Have a blessed day...
 photo sign_zps1f6c5c85.jpg
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...