In the End...{Driving the PCH}

 
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I remember driving up the Pacific Coast Highway with the windows down and Linkin Park blaring...screaming/singing the songs. 
I would be most likely smoking and drinking something cold, probably a Coke, with a bag of Doritos on the passenger seat.  
 
The person I was in that car is so different from who I am now.  
Well, in some ways... 

I know I've grown a lot and have gotten comfortable in my own skin since then - those years in my 20s.  
I was an actress then.  
I could be whomever you wanted me to me.  I didn't have a backbone.  I was someone who felt that she was lacking.  I lacked love for myself, let alone from anyone else.  I was used up by the age of 27 - or so I thought.
 
I know this isn't a pretty picture.  It isn't supposed to be.  It was real - my life oh so very long ago.  A time in my life that I thought would never pass.  A time where I thought it would be like that forever or until I decided to end it.
 
That drive - I made it often.  
I drowned my thoughts with the lyrics of Linkin Park's first CD.  It was as though "In the End" was written for me.  I felt every single word that yelled out at me through my car's speakers.
I was tired.
I was depressed.
I didn't feel like I had anything to look forward to - nothing to strive for.  I was done.
 
As I look back at those dark times so many years ago, I wonder how I survived it.
I was heartbroken with life.  Those were some awful years right there.  Terrible, but they passed.
 
A few years later, my hubby came into my life...we started to date again...we moved in together.
 But he wasn't the one who saved me from those destructive thoughts.  
Not him...she did.
 
When I found out I was pregnant, that there was another being inside of me, that's when I started to change.
It wasn't just me anymore.  
I had to start taking care of myself, at least physically.  I still had a lot of work to do mentally and to tell you the truth, I still struggle with those destructive thoughts.
When I found out I was pregnant with my girl - my Lovebug - I knew there was a chance for me.
I had a chance.  
Finally, I had a chance to give someone a good life.  My daughter would be everything I'm wasn't.
 
Everyday I work hard to show her all things are possible.  I tell her she is be-YOU-tiful.  I tell her the truth.
Yes, she is only 9 years old.
But I cherish our relationship.  I can't get it wrong with her.  She is my fierce protector who I needed since my childhood.
She is who I never was or could be.
She will be who she is meant to be and I'm her role model.
I'm a role model!
 
Me...
The girl with a shady past.
The girl who never amounted to much.
The girl who turned into a woman.
That woman who showed "them" that she IS capable.
I can do all things.
It's hard.
Everyday it's difficult.  I have bad days.  I have great days.
But most importantly, I have days...and nights...and a lifetime.
 
You know, one day, my daughter will say,
"Hey Mama, I'm going to take a drive, k?"
And I won't worry about it.  
I'm sure her drive up PCH will be very different than mine.

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2 comments:

  1. First of all, you have amounted to plenty! Whatever your past is, you have a brilliant present and future. And i'm certain that someday you're daughter will be so glad that you were her mom.

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  2. I love this post! I often think that song was written for me, too! It's funny how our kids give our lives such meaning and purpose. I feel like I was meant to be a mom for it saved my life. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my little love bugs.

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Hey Lovey! You're commenting! You just made me happier than...well, me with a Chestnut Praline Latte. (Yes, now you know what to order for me if we ever go to Starbucks - lol)