When No One is Looking

{Discretion to my Loveys: This post is a reflection of how I feel. At the moment. 
It is raw and, pretty much, words have been dumped on this page.  Because sometimes, writing is what heals me.}
You just need to let it out sometimes.
Yes, that's how I'm going to start this post because I'm having issues today.
Issues with me and this little world I live in - in my head.
 
See, I was looking at FB the other night and saw a friend's status update that said, 
"I was asked an interesting question yesterday, 'Who are you when no one is looking?' I've been pondering that question for 24 hours now."
And, darn it, you know that as soon as I read those words on my little phone screen, I started "pondering" too.  
Not good because it was at night when I was supposed to be sleeping.  
I couldn't sleep because I was thinking and over-thinking that dumb question. 
It's one of those questions where I should've just said to myself,
"Who cares. Go to sleep.  You have a full day tomorrow!"
 
But, no, of course I can't listen to the voices in my head.  Duh.
 
So I'm laying there, right?  Thinking...
Aren't I the same person when I'm all alone, by myself, without another soul around?
Don't I always act the same...with someone around me or not?
Well, you know the answer to that, right?
 
Aw Hecks No!
 
I've said this before and I'll say it again.
 
I am an actress.
I was born and raised that way:  You act the way you are supposed to in the situation you are in.  
 
Because Lord knows that if I were "myself" in all places in my life, I would:
1.  
Probably have been written up and fired a long time ago.
2.  
Been kicked out of class and banned from ever coming back to college. Ever.
3. 
Living in a little sad hole of the world because you know that there's no one who would want to live with all that! (Well, my hubby would be okay with it...he says that I am  very entertaining. lol - gotta love my man)
 
So, um, yeah...I definitely know who I am when no one is looking.  
That's why she stays hidden away in that little safe space in my head.  It's also the reason I don't do a lot of things by myself.  There is no way I want to be associated with that...every. single. day.  I wouldn't be able to "survive her" is what I'm saying pretty much.  
{Can you say Girl, Interrupted?}
 
I don't know if it's because I'm a little wacky when I let her out (and not in a cute oh-she's-so-wacky-and-fun sense) or that I get bored all by myself or that I'm scared to do so.  
 
But I do know one thing:
I know I have to be truthful with myself.
Be okay with who I am (inside).
 
But I don't wanna!
(Can you see me childishly stomping my feet!?)
 
I'll go see someone about the little issues I have one day.  
But for now, I'm going to stop reading Facebook status updates...
They are so dangerous to my mental health!
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3 comments:

  1. I know that girl... we all have more than one (sometimes several) sides. It's called unconditional love that you can accept others for all of their sides, quirks, short comings and mood swings. I'm pretty much talking about me :) I loves you and I hope you're day gets better. I'm here...

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  2. Oh Nay! You're being WAY to hard on yourself! We all have different sides to ourselves and yes at work or school we have to reign it in a bit but that's just called having social skills :) It's not being fake or an actress!!! I you are trying to hold back the parts of yourself that you, just you , think are 'bad' you're probably holding back awesome parts too without even realizing it! Call Ms Confianza and tell her your inside needs a talking to! :) xoxoxox

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  3. I love this. I think we all wear different masks depending on the situation. How can any one person be the same way all of the time?

    I want to write a similar post, if you don't mind. You inspired me!

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Hey Lovey! You're commenting! You just made me happier than...well, me with a Chestnut Praline Latte. (Yes, now you know what to order for me if we ever go to Starbucks - lol)