Trying to find words to write on here to all of you lately has been hard...
Words of encouragement, inspiration...even, laughter.
I still don't have them.
I am still around, just not here....
No worries though - I know this will pass. He's got my back.
And for some reason, today was when He told me it was okay to publish this. To share this. Because I am not alone...you are not alone. Maybe you need to hear those words too....
|Yolanda Adams - Open My Heart|
My hopes and dreams are fading fast
I'm all burned out and
I don't think my strength's gonna last
So I'm crying out
Crying out to you Lord
I know that you're the only one
Who is able to pull me through
Those lyrics to Yolanda Adams' Open My Heart - those words are what I yell out to the heavens. Right. Now. Right Now, I need your guidance, Father. Tell me what I'm supposed to do with this life You gave me. I have put that song on repeat today - all day - and I keep trying to absorb the words and believe that You are there to redeem me, to help me as only You do. When I was younger, You were there looking on as the terrible things were happening. I was never alone, I know this now, but I didn't know that then. Why do I still feel like I need something to open this heart of mine? Why do I feel so lost? Why can't You come down here and shelter me and tell me that this will pass, too. Why am I so down? Why am I pretending to the world that I'm fine when clearly You and I know I'm not? Why do You keep putting in my head that I need to go talk with someone again? I don't want to. I don't. I feel raw. I feel exposed. I feel like I shouldn't press that publish button on this post. I had planned on posting that nice photo up there with Yolanda's song and uplift someone who needed it. Make them understand that they're not alone with words of encouragement and empowerment. But instead I'm leaving myself out in the open and writing You. Writing You and telling You exactly how I feel because I know this is how You talk with me. But I need something more. I should be grateful to You for my life now. There are ups and downs. Yes, I know. You don't give me anything I can't handle. But sometimes...sometimes I don't want to handle it. I don't want to learn anymore. I don't want to figure out the lesson. I just want to live happily. I know...no, I think this post is supposed to be just my conversation with You. Then again, I don't know. But I know I'm not alone. I know you gave me this space to express how I feel. To let people out there know that life is wonderful, yes, but... It can be so very hard at times. I open up my heart to You. I open up my heart to the person reading this right now. I don't know what is truly breaking me down. I don't. And truthfully it might just be all in my head. I'm not busy enough. So I have more time to think about everything. I don't blame you, Lord. I never have. I just want....I want it to be over already. I want to be broken so that I can be built again. I...I don't know. I don't have the words. I don't have the words to tell You what I need or what is wrong. I just need You to erase it all. Please. Just erase me.