When I was little...

It's funny really.  I can't even remember being ten years old.  Where was I in my life at that age?  I have blocked so much from that time in my life that it is really hard to bring it up.  I know I could've, maybe, been living in Los Angeles or maybe Perú?  I may have been in hiding or finally free.  

What I do know is that I am not at that age or mindset anymore.  I am not blocking out parts of my days.  I am not in fear of what my afternoons will hold.  I am not picked up after school and being fondled as we drive from Rosewood to Wilshire.  I am not pretending like it isn't really happening.  I am not confused about how it makes me feel.  I am not thinking that there is something inherently wrong with what is going on.  I am not in constant worry about being alone with him and wondering if this will ever end, how far will it go this time.  I am not thinking of coming into the bedroom and saying, "if I'm a good girl, can you not touch me there?" again.  I am not worried that somebody might walk in and catch us.  I am not a ten-year-old feeling like someone's mistress.  I am not having someone take my photo in the backyard, ashamed when I'm asked to "let the bathing suit fall."  

I am now released from having to physically go through that.  There is no darkness and wondering if I'll ever see the light at the end of that long thirteen-year tunnel.

I was never afraid during those thirteen years.  The fear wasn't like that.  It happened later.  It happened when it was over.  

Fear of memories constantly trying to ruin your day.  That is what I am afraid of all the time.  That is when I've been most afraid.  I am most afraid when I think that the flashbacks and memories, the remembering, won't ever go away.

via
Although memories haunt.
Although flashbacks come without warning.
Although I still remember.

It's over.
It's done with.
I don't ever have to go through that again.

Today's Blogtember prompt asked to write "A story about a time you were very afraid."
I could've written about my fear of heights.  I could've written about my fear of snakes.  I could've made it funny.  I could've done a number of things.  But I didn't.  I don't know why I just wrote all of that.  No idea.

But sometimes it's courage that is needed.
Sometimes that is the only thing you can do to stop being afraid.

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If you know a child who is being hurt, please go here.

8 comments:

  1. You wrote it because it needed to be said. You had to acknowledge this fear to take away it's power. This will be with you forever, but as you continue to talk about it and stand up to it, you will disarm it. Disarm it every day. Take your life and your courage back. You are brave. You are very brave. Even then you were brave. Because you survived and you continue to survive.
    XOXO

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  2. We're both haunted... both going through life together... and both not yet what we're going to be. I'm so glad there is you my Nay.

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  3. Thanks for sharing this. I ended up writing a similar kind of post for Blogtember. It wasn't what I intended either - it just came out- but sometimes you have to bring these things into the light. I think keeping them hidden gives them more power over you, but speaking out reduces that. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Thanks for being brave enough to share. I'm glad I discovered your blog.

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  4. Thanks for sharing this. I am sure it was difficult for you. Your story is very touching, heart wrenching. Ttook a lot of courage to write this. You are stronger than you think and very brave.

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  5. You are so brave, thank you for sharing a piece of your story. Abuse had also been a part of my families story and reading your words, which I will relay to my sister, in a strange way makes us all feel grateful and devastated at the same time that we aren't the only family that has had to deal with it. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers sweet Nay xo

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  6. Thank you for sharing this and for being so brave. ::hugs::

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  7. Did you know that your bravery compels me to be more brave? Every day, Nay... You are a gift to me.

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  8. Oh my brave friend. In tears. So much courage to let it out. Love you.

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Hey Lovey! You're commenting! You just made me happier than...well, me with a Chestnut Praline Latte. (Yes, now you know what to order for me if we ever go to Starbucks - lol)