It's funny really. I can't even remember being ten years old. Where was I in my life at that age? I have blocked so much from that time in my life that it is really hard to bring it up. I know I could've, maybe, been living in Los Angeles or maybe Perú? I may have been in hiding or finally free.
What I do know is that I am not at that age or mindset anymore. I am not blocking out parts of my days. I am not in fear of what my afternoons will hold. I am not picked up after school and being fondled as we drive from Rosewood to Wilshire. I am not pretending like it isn't really happening. I am not confused about how it makes me feel. I am not thinking that there is something inherently wrong with what is going on. I am not in constant worry about being alone with him and wondering if this will ever end, how far will it go this time. I am not thinking of coming into the bedroom and saying, "if I'm a good girl, can you not touch me there?" again. I am not worried that somebody might walk in and catch us. I am not a ten-year-old feeling like someone's mistress. I am not having someone take my photo in the backyard, ashamed when I'm asked to "let the bathing suit fall."
I am now released from having to physically go through that. There is no darkness and wondering if I'll ever see the light at the end of that long thirteen-year tunnel.
I was never afraid during those thirteen years. The fear wasn't like that. It happened later. It happened when it was over.
Fear of memories constantly trying to ruin your day. That is what I am afraid of all the time. That is when I've been most afraid. I am most afraid when I think that the flashbacks and memories, the remembering, won't ever go away.
Although memories haunt.
Although flashbacks come without warning.
Although I still remember.
It's done with.
I don't ever have to go through that again.
Today's Blogtember prompt asked to write "A story about a time you were very afraid."
I could've written about my fear of heights. I could've written about my fear of snakes. I could've made it funny. I could've done a number of things. But I didn't. I don't know why I just wrote all of that. No idea.
But sometimes it's courage that is needed.
Sometimes that is the only thing you can do to stop being afraid.
If you know a child who is being hurt, please go here.