Discovering "myself"

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You'll feel more like yourself, he said.
It will balance your serotonin levels, he said.
You won't have spiked highs and lows, he said.

And I listened to what he said.

Take only half a pill a day, he said.
We'll build you up to a full pill eventually, he said.
The side effects are worse the first few weeks, he said.
It'll all be better, he said.

But this time I misunderstood him.

I took the full pill two days in row.
By mistake.
I didn't hear him correctly.

It made me feel light as a feather.
It made me feel giddy and loose one moment.
With the shakes and nauseous the next.

I threw up all night thinking I was going to die.
My stomach ached for days.
I stopped taking that little white pill.
I called.

You were only supposed to take half a pill, he said.
You weren't ready for that, he said.
Start again, he said.

I was scared.
I talked it out with my husband and my best friend.
They told me it would get better.
I listened.

I took half a pill like he said to.
I did it to be myself again.

But I keep wondering....
who is this 
"myself" 
they keep talking about?

It's been a week on the half-pill regimen.
The highs and lows are even.
The depression and anxiety don't hit me as hard.
I don't feel overwhelmed, over-run, over-anything.

But I'm still trying to find out who "myself" is.

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Medication isn't for everyone.  But it is for me right now.
Please don't judge and just pray instead.
We all have battles.
Mine are just a little different than yours.

3 comments:

  1. Love this post. Hugs to you on your journey to find yourself. I know I am on a bit of a rediscovery course myself. It's not easy but we can do it!

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  2. Oh, sweet sweet Nay. So brave. You don't need to worry about being judged for this. So proud of you for trying to heal and feel better. For taking control of something that seeks to control you. You can beat this. I believe in you.

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  3. Hang in there, Nay! Love ya! (((HUGS)))

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Hey Lovey! You're commenting! You just made me happier than...well, me with a Chestnut Praline Latte. (Yes, now you know what to order for me if we ever go to Starbucks - lol)