the post that I don't know how to title

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 I was reading Casey's post last night that she wrote about friendship.  
 The beautiful friendship that is made out of love and trust that she shares with Danielle.  
Such a sweet, good friendship. 
What I loved about her post was that I could feel that sisterhood emotion in her words because I have felt that in friendships.  Friendships that you would do anything for.  
A friend who isn't just a friend, she is the sister you never had.

I'm human, I get jealous of friendships like that.

Like a few weekends ago, when I had breakfast with Tricia and Maegan.  They met through blogging (I think that's how Casey and Danielle met too right?), began a friendship through blogging, making phone calls, and texting.  They hung out in Chicago when Maegan was there.  Tricia got to have a girl's weekend here in California to be with her, as well.

I get jealous because the person I feel closest to in the world now lives in North Carolina.
I get jealous because she is the person I have also met through blogging, that I stalked until we began talking on the phone, emailing, texting...sending mini-video-texts to just say hi and send a virtual hug.  She's the person I wish I could sit and just talk with at our imaginary ranch we've created.

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But you know what I get instead?
Guilt trips from old friends.
Friends that only want me in their lives when it's convenient for them.  
Friends in real life that make you feel like it's all your fault that you don't talk as much.  
That's what I get.
I get shit.

Now, you don't need to hear the whole story...because really it doesn't matter.  I don't even have an issue writing about it here because she doesn't take the time to read my blog anyway.
That "friend" isn't the first person to do this either.
This is not the first time...second time...third time, even.
Oh no.  If that were the case, I would be heartbroken.
Because we all know that  going through this with a girlfriend is way worse 
than breaking up with a boyfriend.
It hurts more.
I'm hurt, yes.  Am I going to take the shit that's being dished and let her make it seem like it's all my fault?
No.
No.
No.

This is not the post I wanted to write.
I wanted to tell you what I think real friendship is.
I wanted to tell you that friendship is not all take, take, take - it's supposed to be take a little, give a lot more.
It's not supposed to be taking score.
It's not supposed to be months and months of not talking to each other.
It's not supposed to be stopping everything I do because now you have time for me.
Sadly, I know it takes two to tango.
It takes two to make a friendship.
I'm not perfect, damn it!  But you know what she isn't either...and that was okay...until it wasn't.

What is being a friend?
You know what?  I don't know.
My "real" friends might just be imaginary.  They exist in place I can't even describe.
Those friends are the ones that read this place I create everyday and know that it's not weird.
It may be a tad bit dysfunctional, but...
It's hard to explain.

The girl I talk to almost every day and share my life with lives miles and miles...and more miles away.  But it doesn't matter the distance or that I've never ever ever met her.
What matters is that she is who I need and, in turn, I'm who she needs.
She is right there with me...every day.

I carry her in my heart.

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5 comments:

  1. Such sweet words for Pidg. I can only hope that I find a true friend one day, as you have found in Pidg.

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  2. oh man... this post hit the core for me!!! I only have a handful of friends that I can probably count on, but most of my "friends" treat me like crap too. I'm always the one that initiates or tells them recent news and they will not tell me anything until we meet like a year later and after that that's old news so what does it even matter? I'm not the first person they think of when they have news, but they're always the first person I think of when I have news... It hurts soo much and I am learning to let it go now b/c I just can't take it anymore! :( I thought getting older it be easier with friends, but it doesn't. I'm glad you have a friend that you can count on though, even if she is miles away.. :)

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  3. Wow, today is a good day to be Pidg! How lucky am I to be blessed with my Nay? Always there, always ready to make me laugh when I need to... pick me up when I'm feeling crappy and laugh at me when I've already embarrassed myself! One day my Nay... one day... we will meet and we'll hang out all the time on our ranch, eating delicious yummies I make and eat them on "our" dishes on the table you set. When we grow up and old together we will still be calling each our imaginary friends! Love you from the subsol sista! Your Pidg

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  4. So glad you have your Pidg! And I think that you have a few more 'invisible friends' that love you quite a lot too! 'Friends' should never make you feel bad. That's just not right!

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  5. Those "friends" are not really friends if they can give you shit about living your life. I can count the number of real friends I have on one hand. Those friends I can talk to every day or it can be months until I hear from them again. But no matter the distance or time, we have never failed to be there for each other when it mattered. And when it's been three or five months or one year since the last time we've spoken, it's like we picked up where we left off. I have lost many "friends" as well because that "friendship" could not withstand the test of time and distance and patience. My best friends now I have known for 10, 12, 14 years... I always just say that if we always find a way of crawling back into each other's lives no matter how busy it can get, the we must really love each other. Lol

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Hey Lovey! You're commenting! You just made me happier than...well, me with a Chestnut Praline Latte. (Yes, now you know what to order for me if we ever go to Starbucks - lol)