"What if?"

You know how some days you wonder, "what if....?" 

I used to do that a lot.

Too much, really.

Until one day...

that one day I woke up and remembered. 

 I remembered what it was like to be out in the world alone. 

I remembered how much I hated 

the dating scene

the game of the chase

thinking I would never have anything 

or anyone of my own. 

I remembered how my 20s were full of doubt:

Would I live with my parents forever, 

never venturing out on my own under the safety net they provided? 

Would I never know what real love was, 

always chasing what never wanted me back? 

Was life always going to be a struggle? 

Was I ever going to have children?

Was I supposed to have children?

 I prayed everyday that God would lead my future husband to my life path. 

 That He would give me a man that was 

ready for me

and would protect me 

and shower me with the love I knew I deserved. 

But in all those prayers I was still very doubtful. 

I feared that God hadn't dealt those cards out to me. 

I thought His plan for me was very different. 

Had I only just trusted then I would have known that the cards had already been dealt 

long long before.

 He had put me through trials and tribulations because He was readying me for what I have now.

 He wanted me to be strong enough for what lay ahead. 

And what came my way was molded in His hands

 with so much thought and love,

 I could never have imagined it on my own.

 He just wanted to be sure I was ready. 

And when I was?

Oh, He gave me all the wishes of my heart!

The man I prayed for was ready too and had always been in my life.

 I didn't know that I'd marry my best friend! 

God gave me someone who knew me inside and out. 

He prepared us for each other by making us friends first 

and then molding us to each other.

 It wasn't easy (I played way too hard to get), 

but God was patient.

 

Now I am married

 with two kids 

and it is just as it should be.

 No if, ands, or buts about it. 

Once I trusted the One that knows what was best for me

the true me

all was right in my world. 

I no longer needed to worry if I'd be alone

He brought me my life partner

 

Or wonder ever again if there was an answer to all those

"will it ever happen?"  scenarios...

 He drew the right masterpiece for my life!

And for that 

I am no longer fearful. 

I put my life and heart into His always-open arms and never look back.

That's what I remember when I feel myself going towards doubt.

He knows what He's doing even when I don't. 

So there's really no need to wonder "what if?" anymore...

just

"what's next?"