you don't know

found here
I don't want you to know that... 

I feel like a hypocrite a lot of the time sometimes because of what I write on here.  As a reader of this blog, you know that I am always trying to uplift you, inspire you, and feel like you are always Enough.  Secretly, I don't really feel that I do this for myself.  I don't always feel Enough.  

on some nights I read through my posts and can't believe that I am the person who writes this blog.  I blow myself away sometimes.  I wish I was Nay.

my childhood was "okay" but could've been so much better.  Those things that were done to me between the ages of 5 to 13 sucked.  I've written about it before on here.  I try not to let it define me.  It's getting easier, but I know that I am the way I am because of it and it pisses me off.

I have a poor self-image of myself.  Every morning I wake up and struggle with what to wear and I look at my body and cringe.  I hate that about myself.  And when I do feel good about myself or how I look, I talk myself out of it.  Stupid girl.

I am jealous that so many other blogs get upteenth comments and I don't.  I feel that the measure of my blog is the interaction of the writer to the reader.  When I don't get comments or new followers or acknowledgement, I feel like no one even cares that I write a blog.

I am the first person a lot of people go to so that they can drain out the shittiness of their lives.  I can give every person that I come into contact with a little bit of warmth and encouragement.  Everything I tell them to do to make it all better or just listening because that's all they really want anyway...I don't accept for myself.  

I used to smoke.  Since I was 19.  And I quit on March 19, 2012.  And every day...every damn day...I want a cigarette.  Just one.  Just to inhale that nicotine and blow everything bottled up inside of me out.

I don't accept kindness well.  I feel like people are nice to me because they have to be or they feel like they need to be.  It's a problem, I know.

I miscarried between my daughter and my son.  Almost 8 years ago.  I want more children, but other than not trying to have one, what stops me...what stops me from fulfilling that want is the fear that it will happen again.  I can't go through that again.

I want to be a good mother.  I feel like I fail a lot of the time.  My children love me so very much and I just want to hold them tight and say, "I hope you always feel that way."

I fear that I will lose everything I have.  That one day everything will be taken away from me and I will be alone with someone saying, "I told you so."

I have a hard time when I know that my parents are going to visit.  I have to prepare myself.  I try to lose as much weight as I can and try to remember as many good things about myself so that I can impress them somehow.

I want to say so much more, but I'm scared that the few readers I do have will leave me forever because of this post.

I don't want you to know that... 
it took so much out of me to write this.  

Thank you to Kym for lighting the way.  I found you through Erin.  Can't believe I just let that all out.
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8 comments:

  1. Please please know that we care about you and this space. What you have to say matters so much. I am so beyond thankful I have found you and had the chance to meet you in person. You are honestly one of the most beautiful women I have met inside and out. You exude joy which is a trait not many people have. Plus, your ability to be brave and state all of the above is such an inspiration. We love you lady! xo Erin @ Living In Yellow

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  2. I love you, Nay. You are awesome and I love reading your blog. Honestly, it's one of the few that I actually read. Merry Christmas to you and your fam!

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  3. Oh Nay! You are such a light for so many. We all just adore you! You are so brave sincere and just all around fantastic! I totally understand how you feel though. Sometimes I feel like I write about being positive to remind myself to be happy or give myself a pep talk. Your blog has always been a breathe of fresh air and "you are more beautiful than Cinderella!"

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  4. So very brave girlfran so you should b proud! I can totally relate to SO much you poured out! My heart aches for all you've gone thru and even tho I cringe when people say it to me there is a reason things happen and look at the amazeballs person u are today even with all your trials. Stand tall friend. You deserve it! Phone sesh is in order for sure :) Love you lady!!

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  5. So beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing this --- I found you from The Wiegands, and I'm sticking around. Your honesty is refreshing and real. A million times, thank you.

    ~Jenna

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  6. Thank you for being so open and honest with us. I'm new around here and think I will stick around, your transparency is refreshing <3

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  7. Love you Nay!! Everything about you!! You are perfect and I thank God for letting me find you here in big ol blogging world! Thank you for being you!

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  8. I meant to read this post when you published this, but life. You know life. I will always value you and this space. But I totally get it, I hate that my comments are few and far between! You are a beautiful person and I hope that as you write and discover yourself that you can accept that. I listen to the song Brave by Sara Bareillis all the time, like daily and there is a verse that always makes me think of you:

    "Everybody's been there, Everbody's been stared down by the enemy. Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing. Bow down to the mighty. Don't run, stop holding your tongue. Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live. Maybe one of these days you can let the light in, and show me how big your brave is"

    It's just totally and wholly you.

    Thanks for this very frank look into your life and your heart.
    I will always read. I will always think of you. I will always have a kind word for you.

    Because you matter.

    XOXO

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Hey Lovey! You're commenting! You just made me happier than...well, me with a Chestnut Praline Latte. (Yes, now you know what to order for me if we ever go to Starbucks - lol)