The post where I say shit...and I'm not sorry about it.
I feel like absolute shit today.
I have that fake smile on and pretending like I can do anything.
It all started yesterday.
Yesterday when I was actually happy that I got my period.
What the hell was I thinking?
That was in the morning when I had checked my period tracker and freaked a little because I was two days late. Not because I was afraid I was pregnant - that would be such a blessing - but because I wanted to get it so that next week's vacation wouldn't be ruined.
And boy did my period come - just two hours later.
Full on cramps - the kind that start in your ovaries and scrape you down the legs. The kind I used to get when I was way younger. It's been like this since February. All out pain, emotional breakdowns - all of it.
Yesterday I slept the day away - pretty much passed out.
Gone were the hours where I could've spent the day just relaxing with my family.
Gone was the day where I had planned to take the kids to the park and watch them swing and slide.
I could only stay up long enough to have breakfast and watch an episode of Young Justice with the kids.
Then it started.
The feeling that an all out anxiety attack was coming on.
My husband saw it before I did.
"Babe, go take a bath and relax."
I did as I was told - thankful for a husband that knows me better than I know myself - and took that bath.
As I was getting out and put on my pajamas - the dizzy and fainting feeling came on.
I laid down just for a minute.
Woke up three hours later holding on to my daughter's stuffed puppy for dear life.
This morning I woke up weak from a nightmare driven night. I dreamed about my childhood enemies and family that wanted to take me down. I ran and ran without being able to get away from their horrors.
So, yeah, this is the reason I'm feeling like absolute shit.
I'm not apologizing for that word either.
I just want to crawl under something and cry the day away.
And tomorrow I'll be as good as new.
I better be.
This shit sucks.