No One Cares.
Not one of the women I met cared what I looked like that day. Not one of them worried about the rolls on my body, or that I stepped in a puddle of mud, or that I brushed my boob with blue paint, or that my hair wasn't perfectly styled, or that my bra straps kept showing all day, or that I was a sweaty mess...or that I wasn't perfect.
You know who did care? Me. I did a little too much actually. I was so worried about how I looked and what others must be thinking of me. I worried that I was taking photos and selfies with these bloggers and that I look disgustingly fat in the dress I bought. I worried that my hair wasn't perfectly straight and slightly curled on the bottom like it was that morning. I worried that my make up was melting off my face. I worried about my arms and how big they looked....to me.
See that's what it was...
The whole time I was worrying and succumbing to something that defeats me every single time. Doubt.
I let myself down on Saturday. When I could've wholeheartedly been inspired by the speakers and engaged, meeting new women, and saying hello to old friends, I was putting myself down and making doubt more important than the day itself.
As I looked back last night at all the #elevateconf photos on instagram...I noticed something. I didn't make the effort to be in a lot of them. I was too worried about how I would look. I was too involved in my own downfall. I failed myself on Saturday. I did it all by myself, to myself.
This was the first time in the three years I've been to this conference that I ruined it for myself. I feel so stupid.
The thing is no one cared. I met wonderful women who hugged me and wanted to talk with me and didn't care what I looked like. All they cared about was being in that beautiful place and sharing a day of sisterhood and fellowship. All they cared about was forging new friendships and treasuring the old ones. They cared about what was important.
I learned that I will never do that to myself again. I can't let doubt take the front seat in my life. I can't let it drive me where it wants or take me places that I shouldn't go. I need to get over this feeling of not loving myself like I should - how others love me. I need to not care. Because in the end...
...No one cares.