I had to write a forgiveness letter for my final term paper in Speech. Tonight I will be turning it in and reading out loud in class. I wanted to share it with you:
I am on a healing journey and you are my focus. I understand that you are me and I am you. To get through this new life I must forgive you.
I don’t think I ever remember a time that I didn’t blame you for my life. You were the reason I didn’t have the life I wanted. You were the reason I would lie to myself and continue to do so. I let the circumstances of my life take over and, because of this; I haven’t let myself live my life to the fullest.
I’ve punished myself in so many ways. I have lied to myself. I have let myself do things I never should have. I will not write you about the situations I have put myself into or have done to myself because you know them all. You were there. You were there right next to me as I hurt myself in so many ways. You were the voice in my head telling me that I wasn’t good enough. You were the one always telling me I would never be pretty enough. You were the low chant in my head saying that I would never amount to anything. You were always telling me I was never going to be enough and I would never love myself. You made me feel guilty for wanting to get over everything in my life. You wanted me to be depressed and to feel unworthy.
I did things in my youth that I am not proud of just to prove that unworthiness. You were always telling me that no one would ever love me because I was only someone to be used and thrown away.
My life is so different now. I have a family. I have a daughter. I need to teach her to be the complete opposite of whom I was and who you taught me to be. I try to implement the good in her every chance I get. I tell her she is beautiful. I let her now that she is smart enough, worthy of love, and honored in this life. You never let me feel that. You made me feel guilty for ever feeling like I could be any of those personality traits. You made sure my self-worth would be at a steady zero and kept me there.
I forgive you, though. I know you didn’t grow up in safety. I know that you always felt ridiculed and judged. I know you were taught to put everyone before you and to never think of yourself as worthy to be put on a pedestal. I know this wasn’t your fault. This is the reason I forgive you. This is the reason I am letting myself teach my daughter everything I wasn’t. In turn, I know that I am teaching us to do the same.
It’s not going to be easy -- this road of reinvention. The first step is forgiving and the next must be letting it all go. I need to let go of you and the idea of you. I need to take the steps in knowing how to love myself again. I need to go back to that five-year-old and begin re-teaching her about whom she is and who she will become. I’m not doing this for you or for me. I am doing this for us. I am slowly starting to forgive and let go. It’s a long journey ahead, but the destination will be worth it.
I am writing again. I am trying to accept compliments without cringing. I am loving without the fear of losing those that I love. I am opening myself up and being brave. I am a work in progress. There is one thing, though, and I hope that you will take this step with me.
As I forgive you, I need you to forgive me and let me go. I need for you to give me the blessing of a happy life without you. A life not filled with regret, but one of a lesson learned. I need a life of discovery where we find each other again and leave the past behind us. Can you do that with me? Can we start to tell each other that we are worthy of a good life? Can we take these steps together to loving us again?
I want our goal to be this…that one day we look into the mirror and not see disgust on the other end. I want us to be happy with whom we see, to be thrilled with the ideas we get, to leave doubt in the past. I want us to be happy and to feel fulfilled.
I forgive you. I forgive me. I forgive us.