About Last Night


Last night I was brave.
Last night I took mighty steps to renewing and healing myself.
Last night was a big deal.
Last night I gave a voice to my story and my steps to forgiving myself.

Yesterday I shared this forgiveness letter that I had wrote my final term paper on.  I had the opportunity to write about numerous subjects that had to do with interpersonal communication, but when the professor said we had an option to write a forgiveness letter...well, I knew it was time.

See, I have been planning to write this type of letter to myself for a very long time.  It's almost twenty years in the making.  As I turned forty this year, I wanted to reinvent myself somehow.  I wanted to create the Me that I had always longed for.  I needed to become the person that others seem to see but I have such a hard time accepting.

So I started writing.  It's what I know how to do.  It is what has always helped me when I needed to let it out.  I have published a lot of it here, as you know.  I haven't read  it out loud in front of a group of people.

I lie.  I have...I once took a writing workshop, about five years ago maybe, and when I shared my writing sample...
I just couldn't get through it.  I couldn't stop crying.  I didn't stop crying as I walked out of that workshop and into my car to drive home and get out of there.  I wasn't ready.  Yet.

But last night....
I stood in front of that class.  I told my story.

My hands were shaking as I held onto my letter with a death grip.  I passed out the quote I pinned on yesterday's post and asked for someone to read it aloud.  I let the short words by Fitzgerald fill me and I began.

"The earliest memory was when I was five years old.  I was sexually abused...by many men in my family.  I have learned to accept that this happened to me.  I haven't been good to myself.  I have done things to myself that I am not proud of but that I did to prove my unworthiness.  This letter is the first step to the reinvention of Renee." (I am paraphrasing here, but this is how I started it.)

I then read my letter...with strength...with tears that didn't cripple me...and with bravery.

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I know that this is not the only thing I need to do to.  I know there are many more steps in this new journey.  I know I have to trek through many more roads...but I did it.

I took the first step...the first step to Reinventing Nay.

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3 comments:

  1. The first step on a long journey is always the hardest! BUT YOU DID IT! I'm so proud of you. Your words lift not only others up, but yourself too. I'm so, so sorry to hear about your past. But I am so, so happy to see you mvoing forward!

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  2. Never in a million years would I have guessed you were 40..You don't look a day past 25 :) Stay strong and continue your bravery. I too was sexual abused by my cousin around the age of 3-5, but I have never been able to share my story. Never with anyone, but my husband. It had ruined me for a long time and I am continuing to work through it. Know you are not alone sweetie and if you ever need anyone to talk to, know that I am here. Even if we only had brief conversations at Elevate, I am always here wholehearted.

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  3. Thank you for sharing and for being brave! I think the first steps can be the most difficult and I look forward to see this journey of reinventing Nay :)

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Hey Lovey! You're commenting! You just made me happier than...well, me with a Chestnut Praline Latte. (Yes, now you know what to order for me if we ever go to Starbucks - lol)