Last night I was brave.
Last night I took mighty steps to renewing and healing myself.
Last night was a big deal.
Last night I gave a voice to my story and my steps to forgiving myself.
Yesterday I shared this forgiveness letter that I had wrote my final term paper on. I had the opportunity to write about numerous subjects that had to do with interpersonal communication, but when the professor said we had an option to write a forgiveness letter...well, I knew it was time.
See, I have been planning to write this type of letter to myself for a very long time. It's almost twenty years in the making. As I turned forty this year, I wanted to reinvent myself somehow. I wanted to create the Me that I had always longed for. I needed to become the person that others seem to see but I have such a hard time accepting.
So I started writing. It's what I know how to do. It is what has always helped me when I needed to let it out. I have published a lot of it here, as you know. I haven't read it out loud in front of a group of people.
I lie. I have...I once took a writing workshop, about five years ago maybe, and when I shared my writing sample...
I just couldn't get through it. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't stop crying as I walked out of that workshop and into my car to drive home and get out of there. I wasn't ready. Yet.
But last night....
I stood in front of that class. I told my story.
My hands were shaking as I held onto my letter with a death grip. I passed out the quote I pinned on yesterday's post and asked for someone to read it aloud. I let the short words by Fitzgerald fill me and I began.
"The earliest memory was when I was five years old. I was sexually abused...by many men in my family. I have learned to accept that this happened to me. I haven't been good to myself. I have done things to myself that I am not proud of but that I did to prove my unworthiness. This letter is the first step to the reinvention of Renee." (I am paraphrasing here, but this is how I started it.)
I then read my letter...with strength...with tears that didn't cripple me...and with bravery.
I know that this is not the only thing I need to do to. I know there are many more steps in this new journey. I know I have to trek through many more roads...but I did it.
I took the first step...the first step to Reinventing Nay.