I'm a fake.
I lie to you. I don't believe the things I write for myself. I believe them for you, but not for me. I think I feel empowered by the words when I write them, but in reality, I fight to believe the things I write on here.
I seek freedom. Freedom from the feelings I feel about myself. I want to be free from the voices in my head that tell me I'm a fake. I write about positivity, trying to encourage others by showing them that I'm brave, and that I am full of love for myself. But that is so far from the truth. More often than not, I cannot stand myself.
I wake up in the morning and I'm okay. I'm too busy to think. I'm with my little family, getting them ready for school and work, drinking my coffee, making breakfast, and everything the morning needs. I drive into work with my husband, listening to music, and just being with him. I go to work and well, work. On breaks, I write or text with my loveys. I schedule doctors' appointments, make to-do lists for the next day, the usual.
But something happens every single day that breaks me. I don't know what the trigger is. I don't know why I can't just be happy or at least okay all day, but the late afternoon and night are not my friends. This is when my loveys receive text messages from me - seeking guidance, starving for encouragement, anything to make it all stop.
Last night, I sent a message to Megan. It went something like this (I'm the green):
Just ugly write, she said. Just write. Write all the feelings. So that's what I'm doing. Right here, right now, I'm just going to tell you the truth. I do think I'm awesome. I do feel brave. I do think that I'm worth more than what my critics think of me. But, I am also one of those critics.
It's hard sometimes, okay? I don't want to take pills to make myself normal! I want to be happy like I see others being happy. I just want to feel the good stuff. If the bad stuff hits, I don't want it to take over. I want to control it. Be like normal people and just go with the flow. I don't want to cripple myself just because I'm having a bad day. I want to listen to my own advice. The advice, encouragement, and love I give to you.
Why can't I treat myself the way I treat others? That golden rule should apply to me. I should apply it to myself. I constantly berate myself when someone is good to me. I don't feel like I deserve that goodness coming my way. I feel like I'm a fake and that everyone can see it.
Like everyone I come into contact with knows. They know my secret. My self-loathing secret that happens to me each night. Like they go into my brain and see the dreams I have. The awful dreams that attack me at night about awful things that have happened or may happen. I'm screwed up. Don't you see?!
I really know how to fake it. I've known how to be an actress from the time I was five-years-old. It comes easy to me. I just need to stop doing that. I need to just be me. The person I am when my husband's around. He is the only one that sees me, really sees me. But, he's a special soul. He loves me. He's okay with my weirdness, with my mood swings, with my voices...it's all good in his eyes.
But no one else will be okay with that. I will end up alone because when people see the real me, they'll freak.
I'm a good person. I really am, I promise. I know how to make others feel good, that they are loved...I'm the first person you can come to if you have a problem or you need to talk or just vent. I'm that person for others. I'm just not that person for me. That's the problem.
I'm sorry for writing all of this. I apologize for dumping this all here for anyone to see. But I want to show myself that I can. I want to be able to write. Just write pretty or ugly. I'm sorry you have to see what goes on in my brain. I'm sorry I can't be On all the time. I just needed to let this out.
I just needed to be brave, have the guts, and just really ugly write.