Thoughts Unfiltered - am I the only one?

You know how some nights you lay there with all the thoughts running through your head? When you're more than just tired or exhausted, but every single thing you never really think about comes up? Um, no? {Great, it's just me...}

Well, let me tell you...the night after my birthday, I could not get my brain to shot off. I had been on my own all day because I took the day off from work as a birthday present to myself. Instead of sleeping and vegging in front of the tv all day, I psyched myself out and went out. I took myself out on a date.

That night, I was okay - it was my birthday after all. I was still high off all the love and birthday wishes....and great amounts of Starbucks frappuccinos...But that next night, everything from those few hours spent alone came back to me. I'm really good at that. All the feelings I had overwhelmed me and so for my sanity and because of sheer exhaustion, I wrote that crap down.

That's the background for ya. These are the words that screamed in my head...

Am I the only one? 

This is going to sound pathetic but I need to vent okay? Am I the only woman that doesn't have friends? You know, a village? A tribe to call her own? That group of women who will go have coffee with you, have a girl date with....Am I really the only one!! 

I have "friends", don't get me wrong. They're just online because I've met them through blogging. I can pick up my phone and they're just a text message away. But, well, it's not the same. I need them to be physically here and it's not possible. 

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 41. I was greeted by family and friends on Facebook. I had greetings on Instagram. All the people I never hang out with. All the people I never see. These "friends" are the ones I text with in a daily basis. But I can never see them because they don't live here. They live in a far off place called Blog Land. 

I took the day off yesterday and took myself out. Not because I wanted alone time but because I didn't have anyone to say, "hey wanna meet for Starbucks and manis?"

It's sad. 
It's pathetic.
How did this happen?

Is this the repercussion of being a blogger? Of working out of the home all day and not having the time to make friendships? It sucks. There I said it. I know I need to get out there. But holy crapola, how do I even start? 

It's hard to put yourself out there and not get crushed in the process. I've reached out a few times, but then it's just different. It doesn't work out. What I want in a friendship doesn't happen...there's no time for what I want. 

As you grow up, there is no ease to making new friends. It's not like in Kindergarten, you come up to someone, introduce yourself and ask to be friends. Boom - friend made. It's not like that anymore. 

I used to have a group of girls I hung out with. People I could call to hang out, have a drink, watch a movie, just be together...not anymore. Things happen, you grow up, you grow apart....or you just can't even anymore. 

It makes me sad. I'm lonely. I need that girl time. I'm sad, no really - pretty damn pathetic, really. 

Rant over. 

Thoughts unfiltered...I didn't know if I'd share this here.  But I felt that I needed to.  Thanks for listening.

5 comments:

  1. You are definitely not alone. We moved in 2012 and I got pregnant shortly after the move. We decided before we got married that I would be a sahm and I love it, but it makes it very hard to meet people and connect---plus I'm an introvert. Anyway, totally feel your pain! :'(

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  2. I totally feel you here. It is such a hard thing to deal with. I totally could have wrote a post like this as well. You are not alone in this for sure.

    We moved away from "home" 3 years ago and started over. It has been such a struggle to make new friends here. I have the same questions about how to go about making new girlfriends. Both of the jobs I work at are small places with few employees that I got through family. So it is the same people there and I am not meeting anyone new. I love it here but sometimes I struggle with this. I am in the same boat as you. All my girlfriends are either through blogging or too far away to hook up with more than a time or two a year. The struggle is real. ;-)

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  3. You are not alone, girlfriend. i have this conversation more often than you know... I have a sad day... I want a girl group to cheer me up... but I don't have one. It's tough. Being vulnerable is hard. And many women aren't willing to do that. But you are. Because if you weren't we would not have read all this and been let in... thank you for being real and sharing this. Brazos y besitos., mi amiga.

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    1. It seems like we all have each other on those sad days. And that's enough for me - but I def want to break out and meet/greet:)
      Thanks lovey!

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Hey Lovey! You're commenting! You just made me happier than...well, me with a Chestnut Praline Latte. (Yes, now you know what to order for me if we ever go to Starbucks - lol)