Well, let me tell you...the night after my birthday, I could not get my brain to shot off. I had been on my own all day because I took the day off from work as a birthday present to myself. Instead of sleeping and vegging in front of the tv all day, I psyched myself out and went out. I took myself out on a date.
That night, I was okay - it was my birthday after all. I was still high off all the love and birthday wishes....and great amounts of Starbucks frappuccinos...But that next night, everything from those few hours spent alone came back to me. I'm really good at that. All the feelings I had overwhelmed me and so for my sanity and because of sheer exhaustion, I wrote that crap down.
That's the background for ya. These are the words that screamed in my head...
Am I the only one?
This is going to sound pathetic but I need to vent okay? Am I the only woman that doesn't have friends? You know, a village? A tribe to call her own? That group of women who will go have coffee with you, have a girl date with....Am I really the only one!!
I have "friends", don't get me wrong. They're just online because I've met them through blogging. I can pick up my phone and they're just a text message away. But, well, it's not the same. I need them to be physically here and it's not possible.
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 41. I was greeted by family and friends on Facebook. I had greetings on Instagram. All the people I never hang out with. All the people I never see. These "friends" are the ones I text with in a daily basis. But I can never see them because they don't live here. They live in a far off place called Blog Land.
I took the day off yesterday and took myself out. Not because I wanted alone time but because I didn't have anyone to say, "hey wanna meet for Starbucks and manis?"
How did this happen?
Is this the repercussion of being a blogger? Of working out of the home all day and not having the time to make friendships? It sucks. There I said it. I know I need to get out there. But holy crapola, how do I even start?
It's hard to put yourself out there and not get crushed in the process. I've reached out a few times, but then it's just different. It doesn't work out. What I want in a friendship doesn't happen...there's no time for what I want.
As you grow up, there is no ease to making new friends. It's not like in Kindergarten, you come up to someone, introduce yourself and ask to be friends. Boom - friend made. It's not like that anymore.
I used to have a group of girls I hung out with. People I could call to hang out, have a drink, watch a movie, just be together...not anymore. Things happen, you grow up, you grow apart....or you just can't even anymore.
It makes me sad. I'm lonely. I need that girl time. I'm sad, no really - pretty damn pathetic, really.
Thoughts unfiltered...I didn't know if I'd share this here. But I felt that I needed to. Thanks for listening.