Finally putting words down

All I have to do is put fingers to the keyboard and type.  Write those words out, right?  Well, I've been trying to come back to this space for a good part of over a month...but when I get to this page to write, my fingers freeze over the keys.

I have always used coffee-n-ink as my space to let my thoughts run free without censor.  My safe place has always been there.  Ever since I got pregnant with Annika Ryan, I just haven't been as forthcoming as I usually can be.

The first trimester, I couldn't put any of my thought down here because no one knew about baby girl yet.  I only spoke with my husband and a tight circle of bloggy friends of any worries I may have.  Those first three months were a waiting game I hated every minute of.  I just wanted Annika to stay nestled in my womb, healthy and vibrant.  We prayed every night that she would just stay in Mommy's tummy.  After having a miscarriage, I feel most women would feel the same way.  Knowing that Annika was coming was a blessing - but not knowing if she would stick around was the nightmare.  I trusted that God had her in the palm of His hands.  I was right.  First trimester came and went while Annika's little somersaults began in my baby oven.

The second trimester was a honeymoon!  I loved every minute of it.  Every single little happiness came our way.  Seeing her on the ultrasound monitors was always a thrill.  The love and support we received from family and all of you made our hearts burst.  Thank you for that.  Life was good for those second three-ish months.  I went to Elevate that second trimester.  Enjoyed good food, love from my closest girlfriends, and was just happy and thrilled with life.

I didn't come by here that often because life was so busy.  I still had my little worries here and there but nothing this recovering anxiety-driven woman couldn't handle.  Then the week before my third trimester hit...

I don't know if it's because I'm having a baby and I'm 41, but I've been pretty miserable.  I was in the hospital for an infection (UTI) and thought after that life would be okay.  I had UTIs with Miah and Lucas, but this was the second one in my pregnancy with Annika.  It left me exhausted with an overnight stay at the hospital.  That happened on a Saturday and then the following weekend, I had similar pains.  I did as the doctor suggested and rested with some Tylenol in my system.  That was a slow weekend for all of us.  Pelvic pain and side pains became the norm until this last week.  Something just didn't feel right last Wednesday.

I had been at work all day especially more sore than usual as I walked to and fro around the office.  After dinner that night where I couldn't get up from the table anymore, I told my husband I just couldn't take it.  I couldn't sit there and "take the pain".  We headed to the hospital yet again.  Two days later, I was back at home finally.  Turns out there was blood in my urine, I had yet another UTI, and now my fibroid was growing.  I was put on modified bed rest all 4th of July weekend and now I'm just tired.

I went to the doctor on Monday and I still have traces of blood in my urine.  I've gone back to work but am on modified work duty.  Sitting is the only thing allowed unless I have to go to lunch or the bathroom.  I'm terribly emotional and sad.  I may have to go on bed rest if the traces of blood don't stop.  And just everything is so stressful....

I needed to stop and breathe for a moment and let this all out.  Annika is in perfect shape - active as ever.  I'm just the wreck.  It's hard to enjoy this pregnancy and not just wish she was here already.  Ten more weeks to go and I just can't wait.  I want to be whole again and my own brand of normal. 

God only gives you what you can handle, my hubby reminded me last night.  I just pray I don't break in the process of it all.


  1. Pregnancy is hard! It takes a lot out of you and I'm sorry that you have been extra emotional and sad. 10 more week and you will see that baby girl and be reminded of why it is all worth it! You won't break! You are a strong woman!! Love you Nay!

  2. 10 more weeks! You can do this Mama!!! Let your hubby and kiddos take care of you and you take it easy. Sending all my love and hugs your way! Love you sister!

    1. Thanks so much love. It's nice to have you around:) Love you!!!

  3. *hugs*

    Thoughts and prayers with you! <3


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