Answering the door to Renee

I didn't want this first day of the year to go by without writing something. I don't know how often I'll be at this space in 2016. I tend to make resolutions, goals, words of the year...and then within a week, maybe less, I'm back to my old ways.  I think we're all like that, really.  We want so much from ourselves on January 1st and then beat ourselves up when we don't follow through.

So this year, I want it to be different.  I want to live up to my name.  What do I mean?  Most of the time, I have no idea (smile), but this year I was thinking of all the things I want to do. It all came down to doing everything better - to redo everything better.  Reinvent the ways I currently do what I love.  A rebirth so to speak.  My name means rebirth.  Renee.  I will be more Renee.

I think that'll work just fine.  I will strive to be more me.  That's my goal.  Not just for this year, really, but for my entire life.  I want to be less judgy with myself.  I want to give myself opportunities and not be my own worst enemy.  I want to renew my faith in myself.  I want to be more Renee.

How I treat others and the love I give to others?  I need to do that for myself.  The advice I give others?  I need to follow that advice myself.  I want to be me with a fierceness.  I don't want to beat myself up when I feel like I'm failing.  I want to pat myself on the back once in a while.  I want so much for myself.  And yes, I want to do this for myself so that I am an example.

There are three children that look to me for guidance.  They see the relationship I have with their father is such a strong one...I want them to see what a strong relationship I have with myself! I want them to know that it is so very important to carve out time to nurture yourself.
To love yourself.
To take yourself out for a date.
To pray for yourself.
To be closer to yourself.
To save yourself.

Because the way I see it, I keep putting myself last.  Only One should go before me - and that's my Heavenly Father.  I can continue to ask Him for all the desires of my heart, but I need to do the work.  All that I want in this life will not come to me from a knock at the door.  I tend not to open the door when I know it's something for me at the other side.  I want to open that door now.  I know I can do hard things.  I can handle a lot of what this life throws at me.  I know this.  Of course I do.  I just need to believe it.

I keep praying for a closer relationship with God.  I keep wanting to complete my degree already.  I want to get healthier physically...emotionally.  I want to write.  I want. I want. I want.  I can "want" with every fiber of my being all the live-long day.  Unless I do the work, it's not going to happen.

Okay.  I'm not going to make any resolutions this year.  I'm not going to put down goals because I already know what they are.  Word of the year?  It'll come to me.  It always does.

Right now...right now I'm just going to 'Renee".  It's been a long time coming.  I think it's time to answer that door.


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