having my say
You know when you've just been put down for the last time?
That moment when you say, "Enough is enough"?
That was me last week. I can't really tell that person what I think, but I had to write it down. I also discovered after I wrote it all out that it wasn't just to one person - it's the composite of all of them. All of those people from every point in my life until now. I had to write that ugly down and get some closure.
This is the product of that...
Feel free to copy and paste and send this to your biggest, cruelest critic. To that person who is supposed to love you unconditionally, but well...you'll see. Read on.
It doesn't matter how much I try to impress you.
It. Will. Never. Be. Enough.
Hey, that's okay. Really. You know why I'm okay with that now? The ones that matter - my husband and kids - think I am pretty damn awesome.
I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations and I need to care only about what is important to me. It is not important if you think I've failed at life. That's how you make me feel. If you think I'm fat, not educated enough, too nice, selling myself short, and whatever the heck else...well that's your crutch. I am done making it mine. I am 41 years old. I just don't have time to feel bad all the damn time.
I may not have gone to college after high school, but I'm doing it now. I may not look the way you want me to, but I'm feeling really good about myself lately. You might think I have to always be a "yes" girl. Well, I've learned to say no. It feels right. I said yes to so much that hurt me. I'm not going to do that anymore.
I have way too much going on in my life to worry about what you think of me.
Do you pay my bills?
Do you put food on my table?
Do you ace my exams and keep a 4.0 while being a working mom?
Do you raise my three kids or contribute to their life at all?
Okay, then - step off.
Be proud of me for once. I'm done trying to climb up to that pedestal you've built. I'm scared of heights anyway - why put myself through that ordeal.
Ah. I feel better now.
I still love you. Always will. And I know - I do - I know that you love me. You just have a shitty way of showing it. That's cool.
No, really. but know this...
I am done trying to impress you. I'm done telling you about my accomplishments to see if I'll get that "you're doing great" from you. Just let me be and give me space to breathe already. That's all I ask for. That's all I need.
Fresh air. It feels good to take out that dirty laundry you keep throwing at me.