Worthy, huh?

I am worthy.
These are words I have to remind myself of every.single.moment. 

Unfortunately, I don't always hold myself to the highest esteem.  I doubt myself in every way and can talk myself out of pretty much anything.  I'll tell myself that I am not good enough to do this or that and believe it with every ounce of my being.

I don't exactly know why this is.  Could it be that I wasn't raised to believe in myself?  Could it have been the jokes that I was too much all the time?  I mean it probably plays a small part, but it's not like these things were said to me or implied on a daily basis.  Once in a while - but that was how my family was "playful." (I know, right?!)

I truly believe that I was raised to be a typical girl of my time.  I was raised that women were second to men.  I was raised to feel guilt and be apologetic.  This isn't just from my parents, but my culture and religion.  I was to repent any time I did something that was for my best interest.  Hell, I had to feel guilt because of the abuse.  It was my fault, duh.

But I am older now and definitely wiser.  I know that none of my childhood abuse was my fault.  It took me many years and a lot of writing to understand that within myself.  So, for me, that's besides the point.  That is my past.  Those feelings should stay there.

via @sincerelymedia
So why is it that those are the first thoughts that I go to?  If something goes wrong in any way, my first thought is pretty much "what did I do wrong for [insert situation here] to happen?"  Why am I self-programmed this way?  I mean I get with the childhood I had this is supposed to be normal.  But, really?  I'm 46 years old.  Isn't time to reinvent this notion and turn it into something else.

Instead of "who do you think you are thinking you can do that? Why would you think you'd be good at that? No one will think so, you know?" -

Maybe, just maybe, I could change it around for myself.  Instead of speaking words of negativity (and giving myself a literal anxiety attack which in turn becomes a flashback session of when I was five), maybe I could just tell myself to go for it.

Write those words.
Work out.
Speak up.
Don't worry so much.
You got this.
You are worthy.

And maybe, just maybe, you need that reminder, too.  Oh you thought I wouldn't share in this newfound (okay, not really that new) knowledge?  You know I always reel you in with me, right, lovey?

But how to put these words into action?  That.  That I don't know.  I guess just practice, practice, practice.  Every time that negative thought wants to come through:

Let it in the door.
Say "no thanks."
Send it on its way. 

Only thing, though?

Keep the door open.
You need to welcome the goodness that will come through.